Maybe I’ll Beat Them Less

I used to beat dogs

every single day

Multiple times each day even

The pleasure was amazing

I mean, it felt so good

I’d laugh at my friends

who talked of not beating dogs

Did those crazy fools

have any idea what

they were missing?

Crying over their pain

and suffering and shit

and trying to make me

feel guilty for my choices

They aren’t all 

stomped to oblivion,

sometimes they are 

humanely beaten,

I’d retort,

easing my conscious

They were pet first,

loved even,

before they were beaten

And everyone was doing it

It wasn’t just me

Every bar I’d walk into

had dogs to beat,

if you were willing to pay

We all enjoyed it,

we did it with big smiles

on our faces

as we talked about 

the weather and sports

and drank beer

I tried beating a cucumber once,

I really did,

but it was just mushy

and it didn’t give me the same thrill

so I went back to dogs

But honestly,

I am starting to feel a little bad

I know they feel pain and all

but I like it so much

Maybe I can stop 

beating them on Mondays 

or something,

I hear people do that

I don’t think I can stop altogether,

I’m not going to deprive myself

But every lit bit helps, right?

Oh, here comes a dog now

Wait, what day is it?

Written March 5, 2019